While this photo states that a “Childs Behavior is an Iceberg” , as adults we all to often adopt tendency to hide our feelings and not communicate in our relationships of life.

Like an iceberg, the bulk of behavior’s “mass” is found below the surface; it is what gives rise to the part that is visible. Behavior is triggered from feelings, which stem from the more deeply rooted needs of a person. These are not needs like, “I need food, or I need a new pair of shoes. Basic human needs consist of things like autonomy, safety, security, trust, empathy, understanding, adequate sleep and nutrition, a sense of belonging and inclusion, competency, respect, and love.

When one’s basic needs are met, we feel satisfied, connected, secure, confident. The behavior looks “good.”

If one’s needs are not met, we may feel insecure, afraid, angry, or detached. The behavior that shows, then, looks to be what we might call “unacceptable” as an individual reaches out to try to satisfy these unmet needs.  Our needs are valid; our  feelings are valid. But often we are misguided in our attempts to rectify them.

What we must do in relationship is, in the face of misunderstanding, remember that 90% of what is going on is below the surface. We must look deep to ensure that we are seeing and feeling the source of our behavior and owning responsibility for our expressing our feelings and stating our needs.